The Horrors of Black Friday

Black Friday is a holiday not a lot miss out on, but if you are reading this, you definitely want to know what to do and how to survive this scary time.

First, you’re going to need to pray that it doesn’t turn into the Black Friday scene from the movie Thanksgiving because if that happens, you need to run as far as you can. Go to Target or Best Buy or some other store. If it isn’t, you need to get into line at Walmart in the wee hours of the morning like you are camping out to try to get into a concert first. Nobody spares spots so once you’re out, you out, babes!

It’s a holiday where in order to get what you want, you need to take fighting classes at least a year in advance, skills you’ll need to fight for something that you could probably scalp off of someone on eBay. You can get things like Ninja blenders that you will probably use once and 69-inch TVs that you will probably break if you accidentally nick it.

If you’re shopping, you need medical insurance because your chances of being jumped by mothers running on 3 pumpkin spice lattes, 2 iced lemon loaves, and them egg bites from Starbucks for the last Tickle Me Elmo at 60% off. Your chances are also high of being attacked by some random 40-year-old man who’s been on a strict diet of Doritos and Mountain Dew bulking up to get the last PC and Nintendo Switch in stock, so they can talk to their Discord kitten.

To make it worse, your chances are high of breaking out into a one-on-one fight that turns into 25 college students jumping you like you’re in that one roblox game Da Hood, all for the last Macbook Pro. Because they’re college students, be careful where you are walking in the store (especially if you’re alone).

The entire store is going to feel like an earthquake hit and you can hear “Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum” in the distance as you see over thousands of people of all shapes and sizes from people built like pieces of paper to people built like Rollie From Baddies run to the appliances section like the gates of Lollapalooza just opened. Having medical insurance doesn’t mean that you should have your legs broken just because you broke into the stock room and tried to climb the shelves to get the last Roomba they had in stock.

Once the doors open at the store it feels like the Hunger Games. The key is to befriend workers there and if they are nice, they MIGHT let you in early.

Always remember the target you are shopping at is not the setting of a Purge movie. While in those movies crime is legal to a point and to a time. This ain’t a movie… only run somebody over if they try and pull some of those Kill Bill moves on you because remember: laws and crimes are a real thing and charges can be pressed even if you “accidentally” slam somebody to the ground, head first, giving the person a concussion because you wanted the last Massage chair.

Stay careful around the pharmacy area of stores because obviously, medicine companies won’t be having sales on their products just because the world hit a new low. Only go around there if you need a shortcut. And don’t be surprised if you see Rue from Euphoria up in there, too.

Once you exit the store, all is peaceful: the sun is rising, the cars are honking, and the birds are chirping. Go home knowing the items you fought tooth and nail for were secured. Then get ready for next year.