Alone on Valentine’s Day? Wow, What a Nerd

No man? No problem! It’s perfectly acceptable to spend Valentine’s day all on your own—that is, if you consider being a total loser with no hope for a romantic life “acceptable.”

All of the girls that you’ve tried to hit on in the past few days have turned you down, usually by flipping your lunch tray on your shirt or giving you a good slap in the face. It happens, dude… just not to guys with game.

If every year you end up sitting in a room with fifteen cats while stuffing your face with chocolates, then you have nothing to worry about! There are ways to make you look and feel less pathetic in your miserable existence.

Number One: You don’t actually have to be alone! There are currently hundreds of cats waiting to be adopted! This is a coping method that single women have been using for years. Better yet, it doesn’t just work on Valentine’s day. You could get a cat every day of your life! After all, someone like you probably does feel lonely every day.

Number Two: Steal your date. That other girl doesn’t deserve him. After all, she’ll never love him as much as you do, right? So why don’t you just take what is rightfully yours? All you need is some rope, duct tape, a roomy trunk, and voila! You now have the man of your dreams tied up in the back of your car! Be sure to take him for a romantic date under the stars before you chop him up and hide him in your walls.

Number Three: Create the illusion of having a Valentine. You could go buy yourself chocolates and send yourself flowers and a love letter. You could even leave a cardboard cutout of a beautiful woman by your window. At least that way your family and neighbors don’t have to know that nobody loves you.

Surely one of these options will work for you. However, if all else fails, you could get yourself a large box of tissues and a good Zac Efron movie. Being alone on this day of love might actually be enjoyable. After all, why would you want to cuddle with a player who will ultimately crush your heart, when you could just cuddle a big tub of chocolate ice cream?